


swallow my breath and take what is mine

by midnightbluefox



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Groveling, Ben is a soft boi, Exes, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Make up sex, Post-Break Up, Smut, Soft boi Ben Solo, but they get back together, this has a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 09:08:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17301827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightbluefox/pseuds/midnightbluefox
Summary: After a painful break up with Ben Solo, her boyfriend of two years, Rey is struggling to move on and forget him. And it turns out, Ben isn't ready to give up on them just yet.





	swallow my breath and take what is mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [diasterisms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diasterisms/gifts).



> For Thea, who is so kind and unbelievably talented. Thank you for being such a light and source of inspiration. You asked for angst, groveling Ben, and make up sex... hope I managed to deliver! <3
> 
> The title is a lyric from Wolves Without Teeth by Of Monsters and Men, a song that I listened to way too much while writing this.
> 
> And huge thanks to RebelRebel and LoveofEscapism for helping me so much and being amazing beta readers. You guys rock <3

“You sure you don’t want to come dance?” Rose asked hesitantly, for what felt like the hundredth time that night. 

Biting back a snappy answer that she knew her friend didn’t deserve, Rey plastered a passable smile on her face. “Nah, I’m good. I really just don’t feel up for it tonight.”

Rose nodded; a sharp, jerking movement that betrayed her anxiousness. Sitting here, the unspoken words between them, the tension that was winding tighter and tighter until Rey felt like her bones were seconds away from just snapping, was making them both antsy. She couldn’t help it, too drained to hide her emotions. 

“Why don’t you go dance with the guys?” She nodded towards where Finn and Poe’s heads were occasionally bobbing out of the crowd. After Poe’s fifth attempt at humor had failed to make her laugh, he’d jumped ship, taking Finn with him. She couldn’t blame him. “I’m seriously fine, you don’t have to sit with me.”

An uncertain look crossed her friend’s face before her eyes strayed back to the dance floor longingly. 

“Go,” Rey urged, hoping her voice sounded convincing. The truth was, there was nothing she wanted less than to sit here and watch her friends having a great time while she stewed in her own misery, wishing she could be anywhere else but here. “Maybe I’ll come join you in a few.”

It was a blatant lie but got the job done. Rose beamed, slipping out of the booth, her petite body already bouncing to the rhythm of the music. “I’ll let the guys know you’ll be out soon.”

She just nodded, feeling that smile pulling at the corners of her mouth again. The fake, pathetic excuse of a smile that was becoming far too familiar on her face, a mask that she slipped on more often lately than she cared to admit. She didn’t know if her friends just couldn’t tell or simply pretended they didn’t see, and she didn’t know which was more depressing. 

Coming out tonight, she knew that it had been done with good intentions. Her friends were worried, and when she wasn’t spending every last ounce of her energy trying to not think about how sad and upset and angry and  _ downright furious _ she was, she felt guilty for making them concerned about her. This was their way of trying to take her mind off of things, off of  _ him,  _ and going to Maz’s, her favorite bar, made sense.

Except, from the second Rey had walked in through that door, all she could see was Ben. He was there in that corner booth, where they had come one night to get nachos and beer before they were officially dating and neither of them was brave enough to admit they liked the other. He was there in the crowd, where they had danced together so many times, slowly and sweetly, all warm skin and stolen kisses, or more heady and seductive, heated gazes and flushed skin. 

If she closed her eyes, she could hear the phantom creak of the vinyl booth seats as he shifted next to her, catch the faintest whiff of his scent, a strangely comforting combination of peppermint toothpaste, laundry detergent, and his spicy cologne.

This place, her bar, had become  _ their _ bar over the last year. Her memories of him were a stifling blanket over it all, making her lungs tight and her chest heavy. 

_ Air. She needed air.  _

Rey slid out of the booth quickly, feeling her hands shaking and her breath struggling to whistle through the block in her throat. She snatched up her purse, hoping that none of her friends could see her, but she couldn’t stay here. The realization that she was being so pathetic, like all of those over-dramatic girls in movies she rolled her eyes at, that she was running away like a coward, was swept away by the consuming desire to just get out of there. 

Stumbling out of the booth, she kept her head down, beelining for the door, not noticing the guy who stepped in front of her until she was already running into him.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, stumbling back a step as he reached out to steady her automatically. 

Her eyes met his and it felt like the floor fell out from underneath her. 

Ben stared back at her, face going pale. “Rey?” 

He looked good,  _ too _ good. Dark hair sweeping across his forehead, wearing a flannel shirt rolled to his elbows, the jeans that she had always teased about making his butt look nice... he looked good and it was like a punch straight to the gut, a sharp and physical pain blooming in her stomach. 

She knew what he was seeing as he took her in. The dark circles under her eyes, her hair she hadn’t bothered to brush before throwing it into her customary three buns. Her wrinkled shirt and jeans she’d pulled off of her bedroom floor. 

_ Wrecked.  _ She looked wrecked. 

Jerking her arm away from where he still held it from his attempt to help her, she shoved past him without a word and hurried to the door. She was going to be sick, here, in front of all of these people, if she didn’t get away from him. 

A laugh bubbled up in her throat. Of course.  _ Of fucking course.  _ She should have known that the one night she finally left her apartment, she would run into him. 

Rey rushed out the front door, the cold air cutting through her jacket, and she didn’t slow down, speed walking around the building to where she parked her car. Each step, each slap of her shoes against the pavement seemed to echo with his name. 

“Wait! Rey, wait!” Ben’s voice called, the sound of heavy footsteps following her. 

No, no, no. She couldn’t do this, not now. Not when he dared to look so perfect and put together and  _ fine, _ only two weeks after they had broken up. Not when he did nothing to stop her from walking out of his door.

Not when the sight of him made her want to fall on her knees and beg him to take her back. 

She was better than that, stronger than that, she knew it. But the urge was still there, a little voice whispering in her ear, reminding her of how much she had wished she could have him back over the last few weeks, of the days spent in bed, daydreaming of his arms around her and his lips on her skin.

“Rey, please! I just… I just want to talk.”

His voice cut across the distance between them, a distance that somehow managed to feel gaping and infinite, yet all too close at the same time. She froze against her car, knowing that there was no way she was leaving without facing him.   

“What do you want?” she finally asked, turning but keeping her eyes firmly fixed on his shoulder.

He took a step towards her then seemed to think twice, rocking back on his heels. “I… we haven’t talked in two weeks. I think we should… talk about this, I mean.”

“And what exactly do you think there is to talk about?” Rey internally flinched at how emotionless and flat her voice came out. She wanted to sound strong, to look unaffected by him, but it was already too late for that. And even if she had managed to pretend, if she hadn’t looked like the textbook definition of a post-breakup mess, it wouldn’t have mattered; Ben would have seen right through her. All of her carefully placed walls never affected him. 

Raking a hand through his dark hair, his eyes flickering with something too quickly for her to pin down, Ben stayed silent. 

“Fine,” she started. “You want to talk? I’ll talk. You embarrassed me and treated me like garbage. I opened myself up to you, I  _ tried _ for you, tried to be a part of your life and shove aside my own fears to make you happy, and all you could think about was yourself!”

His brows furrowed, mouth opening to say something but she stopped him with a slash of her arm. “No! I don’t know what you could possibly say right now. You stomped on my heart, Ben. You made it very clear just how  _ little _ you cared for me.”

“If you would have let me explain-” he started lowly, taking a step closer.

“I gave you a chance! Multiple chances!” Rey cut him off. “Don’t you  _ dare _ try to paint me as the bad guy right now.  _ Don’t you dare.  _ You’re the one who fucked up here, not me! How could you expect me to stay with you after that?”

“I’m not saying this is your fault.” Ben’s expression was serious and damn it, she could hardly stand to look at him. “You’re right, it was me, my fault… but if we could just talk-”

She shook her head violently, backing up until she was pressed against the door of her car. The pain was a gaping hole in her chest, getting wider with every second that passed in his presence, every second she had to resist the urge to throw herself into his arms. 

The thing was… she didn’t believe him. She’d given him plenty of time that night to explain himself, to tell her what was going on. This had to be some manipulation and she wasn’t going to be one of those people who crawled right back to their exes after the first apology. 

“I don’t want to talk,” she said tiredly, feeling her shoulders slump. “I just want you to leave me alone.”

Silence fell between them, goosebumps erupting across Rey’s skin as Ben’s heavy gaze settled on her.

“Hey!” Finn’s voice broke through the silence, racing down the sidewalk with Rose and Poe behind him. His eyes narrowed at Ben as he took in the two of them. “What’s going on?”

Rose came over to stand by her, placing a comforting hand on her arm, concern shining in her wide eyes. Looking away, Rey hoped her friend couldn’t see just how gutted she was feeling, like her chest had been cracked open and hollowed out. 

“Ben was just leaving,” she told Finn. “I’d like to go home too.” She ignored the pleading look that her ex threw her, turning to open her car door.

“I’m going with Rey,” Rose told the guys, in a voice that she recognized as meaning no arguing allowed. “And I’m driving,” she said, taking the keys from her hand and nudging Rey out of the way.

She hated that she did it but she couldn’t resist giving Ben one last peek as she made her way to the passenger side. He wasn’t watching her though, he was too busy giving Poe an indecipherable look which he returned with a sympathetic one of his own.

Great. She knew that Poe and Ben would stay friends and would never have asked them not to, but it still hurt to see one of her closest friends giving him an ounce of sympathy after she’d sobbed on his shoulder for hours. 

“I’ll see you guys later,” she muttered to Poe and Finn, feeling bitterly satisfied when Finn gave Ben an undisguised look of loathing. Always loyal, always ready to defend her… he was a good friend and for the first time tonight, a bit of warmth sparked to life in her chest. 

She clung to that as she climbed into her car, ignoring the jerk in her heart as she closed the door between her and Ben, like she was severing the invisible string connecting them.

 

\----------------

 

Rose parked the car outside of Rey’s apartment, keeping silent just as she had the whole drive there, her expression concerned but soft, like she was waiting for the floodgates to open.

Rey had taken advantage of the quiet to try and wrap her mind around what had happened, the fact that some part of Ben had wanted to speak with her about them breaking up. What did that even mean? That he regretted what had happened? That he wanted her back?

She honestly didn’t even know what to think about that. There was such shame associated with getting back together with your ex and a huge part of her, the proud, firm part of her, rebelled at the idea of even listening to what he had to say. But she’d be lying if she didn’t admit that there was also a part of her that desperately wanted to go up to her apartment and call him, invite him over to see what exactly he had to say.

The hope, that was the worst part. The whole car ride, she’d told herself to just push it down with everything else, to ignore him and move on. But that tiny, irrational, irritating bit of hope had wiggled itself into her heart and was currently causing chaos. 

_ Idiot. _

She knew it, she was an idiot. But as furious and hurt as she was, she also knew that you just couldn’t turn loving someone off and on like a switch. It was only human to hope. 

“Listen,” Rey sighed, rubbing at her forehead in a futile attempt to push back the headache pounding away at her skull. “I’m fine. I’m just really tired and not thrilled that I ran into Ben back there. Any chance that you’ll let me escape without a talk?”

Pursing her lips, a brief flash of hurt lit up Rose’s eyes. “I don’t want to force you to talk about anything you don’t want to. But I know you were serious about Ben in a way that I’ve never seen you serious about anyone before. And I know that seeing him tonight shook you pretty badly. Maybe you need to talk, need to let all of it out so you can work on moving on and getting over him.”

_ Getting over him.  _ Rose made it sound so easy, like he had just been a fling. Like she hadn’t been trying to start a life with him, to give everything to him.

“I don’t have anything to let out,” she replied, resisting the urge to hunch her shoulders up to her ears at her friend’s knowing gaze. “He was a jerk and we broke up. End of story.”

Except it wasn’t. If only it had been that clean, that simple, that  _ easy. _

 

_ \------------------------ _

 

_ “Hey,” Rey called across Ben’s apartment from where she was curled up on his couch. “Are you going to this party for your mom’s birthday?” _

_ She’d spotted the invitation on the coffee table, unable to resist picking up the thick, creamy cardstock, embellished with an elegant purple script. She ran a finger around the raised border of delicate flowers, marveling at the intricate bumps and dips of each bud. _

_ Ben poked his head out of the kitchen, nose scrunched in distaste. “It seems a bit stuffy for my taste. My family doesn’t really know how to throw a party where the dress code isn’t formal, you know?” _

_ She didn’t. They’d been together for almost two years and she had yet to meet anyone from his family. To be fair, she’d told him that she was nervous with family events when they’d first started dating, so maybe he was trying to respect that and not put her in an uncomfortable situation. And Ben was her first serious relationship, so she didn’t really know how this stuff went… but she knew that if she had a family, she’d have had him meet them a long time ago. _

_ He strode out of the kitchen with two mugs of steaming tea, the scent of lemon and rosemary following him, handing her one before joining her on the couch, his weight sinking the cushion. Seeing that she was still holding the invitation in her other hand, he arched a dark eyebrow. _

_ “I was actually thinking we could go?” Rey suggested casually, but her heart was racing. She didn’t know why this made her so nervous. The thought of meeting his family, his very wealthy and sophisticated family, was definitely nerve-wracking, but she felt ready to take this step. Ben knew about her anxiety with this and she wanted to show him that he was important to her, that she could face her fears for him.  _

_ “Nah, don’t worry about it,” he said dismissively, blowing on his tea as he searched for the TV remote.  _

_ Her stomach twisted itself into knots and the feeling just made her more determined to keep going. “No, Ben, I want to go. I want to meet your mom, your dad. Don’t you- don’t you think it’s time?” _

_ Slowly and with infinite care, he set his mug down on the coffee table, face blank. “Rey… listen, don’t worry about it. This party is going to be some dumb stuffy thing. We can just send my mom a card or something.” _

_ She should have known, should have seen the tense line of his shoulders, the muscle twitching in his jaw. But she’d already taken the plunge, already told herself that she was going to do this. So the words just kept coming without pause, without a second to read the signs he was giving off. _

_ “I don’t want to send her a card, I want to meet her. And I’d think, I’d hope, that she wants to-” _

_ “I said no!” Ben cut her off violently, his voice suddenly so loud in the quiet of his apartment, a quiet that she had only minutes ago thought was cozy, a serene bubble of their own. But now, the silence was charged, practically crackling around them.  _

_ Rey’s mouth closed slowly and she looked at him, really looked at him. Read the lines of his body, the closed-off expression on his pale face, let him tell her what she needed to know. _

_ “Are you… are you embarrassed by me?” She hated the way her voice squeaked at the end of her sentence, his flinch at her words and the guilt that flashed across his face before he wiped it clean again.  _

_ One of his hands came up to rub at his jaw, a nervous tick of his. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, just-” _

_ She climbed to her feet quickly, bumping into the table and knocking his mug onto the floor. Hot tea splashed and Ben hissed out a curse, jumping up as well. But she couldn’t focus, couldn’t pay attention to anything but the sudden deep well that had opened up inside of her. _

_ All of the insecurities that she shoved down and locked away, that she forced herself not to dwell on. The fact that she was an orphan with no family to speak of, a struggling college student with less than a hundred dollars in her bank account, while he was Ben Solo, his name known and respected, his family more wealthy than she could comprehend. The looks that she got when they were out together, prettier girls who looked like they belonged on glossy magazine covers eyeing her and confused by what they found… a plain, messy-haired girl with a guy who was clearly out of her league.  _

_ “Has- has this all been on purpose?” she choked out around the hot lump in her throat, blinking furiously. “Have you intentionally been keeping me from your family? Not inviting me because you were embarrassed?” _

_ Ben just stared at her, dark eyes wide, hands splayed open at his sides like he wanted to offer her something. But all she wanted was the truth.  _

_ A sudden thought occurred to her and the twist in her stomach became painful, sharp. “Do they even know that you have a girlfriend? Have you even told them about me in the last two years?” _

_ That seemed to snap him out of his stupor. “What? Of course they know about you! How could you think- I wouldn’t just pretend you didn’t exist!” _

_ “I don’t know what to think,” Rey said, letting the desperation bleed into her voice. “What is it then? Why are you so against me meeting your family?” _

_ He didn’t speak, that carefully blank mask slipping back over his face again, the one he used to intentionally hide his emotions from her. It was an expression that didn’t belong anywhere on her boyfriend’s face. Ben Solo was a lot of things; soft and sweet when it was just the two of them, quick to anger if you hit one of his buttons, insecure about his big ears, shy to speak up in front of new people… he was a lot of things, but emotionless, hollow-eyed and empty-faced like he was right now wasn’t one of them. _

_ Seeing him look at her with that mask, it cut into her more deeply than anything. _

_ “I’m giving you a chance here,” Rey spoke with quiet deliberation, knowing that they were standing on the edge of something big. “You can be honest with me, trust me with this. Whatever is going on with your family, whatever your issue with them is, we can work it out together. Show me that you trust me… or you can say nothing and I’m going to assume that I’m right. That you-” Her voice cracked before she could catch it. “That you’re too ashamed of me to let me meet your parents.” _

_ The apartment was silent except for the ringing in her ears. _

_ “Fine.” She felt something go cold inside of her, hardening into a brittle shell. “Fine.” Her body felt like it was on autopilot, like her feet weren’t even touching the floor as she grabbed her purse from the floor, her hoodie from the arm of the couch.  _

_ “Rey-” Her name was quiet, a soft murmur, a desperate plea that she could practically taste on her tongue.  _

_ She paused with her hand on the doorknob, but no words followed, no explanation, no apology.  _

_ That was fine. There was nothing left to say anyway.  _

 

\--------------

 

Rey shook herself free from the memory, one that she had revisited too many times over the past few weeks. Even now, she could picture it all perfectly, still feel the dull ache between her ribs that had been her constant companion from that day on.

And when she’d showed up the next day to get her stuff, part of her, a very big and desperate part, naively hoped that he would apologize and explain himself, but all she’d gotten from him was coldness. She’d screamed at him then, called him vicious names and flung insults, just wanting to get something from him, some sort of reaction. But in the end, he simply held the door open for her, that impenetrable mask taunting her.

She told herself that maybe it was all a misunderstanding. That there was no way that Ben, the guy who seemed to constantly defy his family’s expectations, would be embarrassed by her. That she needed to give him another chance to explain.

But what was it then, if not shame at his nobody of a girlfriend? Some sort of family grudge? She knew that Ben spoke with his parents and they got along well enough. Unless he had lied about that.

And there it was, the thing that hurt most of all. The lies.

Because no matter what, he had lied to her. Lied about all those times he made excuses for them to not go see his parents, lied about his reasons behind it. In the end, he hadn’t trusted her enough to be honest, to share what the real issue was. He hadn’t trusted her, his girlfriend of two years and the woman that he had said he wanted to spend his life with. 

Breath hitching, Rey felt tears well up in her eyes as Rose leaned over and took her hand in her own.

It kept hitting her randomly that she simply didn’t know what she was going to do now. Not in an overdramatic  _ how am I going to live without him _ sort of way, but just that a future that she had let become a guiding truth, a destination that she had been working towards was simply…  _ gone.  _

It was such a strange, overwhelming feeling. Life had been simple when she was with Ben, and she’d felt grounded for the first time in a long time. The years had become a clear pathway, the thought of her future filling her with contentment and peace.

Finish school. Move out with Ben. Put her degree to use and get a job. Marry Ben. 

Simple.

_ Perfect. _

And with one break up, her whole set future had vanished.

It was terrifying to see something that you had wholly believed in, something you honestly believed to be the path that was meant for you, disappear so easily. Terrifying to see just how much her life had become intertwined with his, just how much she had depended on him. 

“Rey?” Rose asked gently, giving her hand a squeeze. “I’m here if you want to talk. If you don’t want to, I’ll walk you up and get you settled in for the night.”

It should have made her feel like a child, but Rose had always been the mom of the group, the one with the biggest heart and the softest soul, undercut with a current of steel.

“I just…” Rey searched for words to explain the feelings churning inside of her. “He meant a lot to me, you know?”

“Well, you guys were together for almost two years,” Rose pointed out, then bit her lip apologetically at her obvious statement. 

“More than that,” she responded quietly, hoping she didn’t sound as pathetic to Rose as she felt. “It’s just that he was the first person that I ever really tried to have in my life, you know?” Once the words started coming out, she couldn’t seem to get them to stop, the pressure in her chest getting lighter with each one. “You and Finn, that was all you. We never would have become friends if you guys weren’t so damn stubborn and I’m not ashamed to admit you did all of the work. I know that I was a bit messed up then, with my parents leaving me and just coming out of that group home. But you just wouldn’t let me slip off and disappear. And I love you both for it.”

Rey leaned her head back, staring at the ceiling of the car, willing the tears out of her eyes. “And Poe, once Finn started dating him, he was in. It was simple and easy to be friends with him when I didn’t have to do anything. But Ben… he was the first person that I went after. I put it all out there, all of my dumb insecurities and convictions that I didn’t need more people to care about, that relationships are just added stress and inevitable crash and burns. I threw it all aside and I went for him.”

“I- I just wanted him, you know?” she continued, memories bombarding her. “I just wanted him to be mine, and I ignored all of the warnings, everything I had told myself, just because I wanted him. And look,” she said bitterly, “I was right in the end.”

Rose was quiet for a long second. “I don’t know how to make this better,” she finally said and Rey could hear it in her voice, just how much this had torn her up too. How much it was hurting her to see Rey’s pain.

“I don’t know either,” Rey admitted. “I wake up and think that I’m fine and then it hits me all over again and I’m just flailing, trying to find something to hold onto to ground myself for the day. And most of the time it ends up being anger or hurt. I’m not sure how to move past that.  _ How do people move past this? _ ”

And then there’s a big, wet,  _ ugly  _ thing rising in her throat and she’s crying.

Rose leaned across the center console without hesitation, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close. “I’ve got you,” she murmured quietly, soft reassurances into Rey’s hair. “I’m here for you. You’ll be okay.”

 

\-------------------

 

A week later, Rey was dodging calls from her friends with single-minded determination, letting their texts sit unopened on her phone. 

The last week had actually been marginally better, like she was starting to cope with everything more, like her emotions and hurt weren’t controlling her as much. She had officially moved into “hurting and depressed, but functioning” which felt less triumphant than she’d thought.

But today was her two-year anniversary with Ben. Or at least it would have been.

It felt weird to wake up and not feel much of anything. The date wasn’t even important, just another day of moving on, except that just a few weeks ago, it had been. Just a few weeks ago, she’d gone shopping with Rose and Finn, looking for the perfect gift for Ben, a gift that managed to tell him everything she was feeling.

_ I’m so lucky to have you. _

_ I want us to be forever. _

_ I trust you with everything.  _

She’d never found anything that felt right, telling herself she still had plenty of time to look, to find that perfect thing.

It had been the first thing on her mind when she’d woken up, a profound relief that she hadn’t found anything, that she didn’t have a gift to go pathetically return or destroy in a fit of dramatic rage. 

But then it had stayed on her mind all day; as she made coffee and showered, did a load of laundry, tried to find something on Netflix to watch…

_ What would she have gotten him? _

It ate away at her that she couldn’t figure it out.

Dinnertime came and went but Rey’s stomach was too sour to eat anything. Her traitorous mind kept wandering to what Ben would have taken her out to do today, flashes of them at a table together, probably at their favorite Italian place, the red dress she’d bought just for tonight that was still hanging in her closet. 

She resented that damn dress. Just looking at it in the store, she’d known it was going to be uncomfortable to wear, probably too fancy for a dinner out, but she’d bought it anyway. It was so stupid of her. So incredibly stupid and she felt pathetic every time she caught a peek of it mixed in with her other clothes. 

A loud knock on her door snapped her out of her thoughts and she groaned out loud, hoping whoever was at the door could hear her. Finn, Rose, Poe, whoever it was, they really just couldn’t seem to understand that she didn’t want to see anyone today.

Rey made her way to the door slowly, trying to dig deep and find some energy to plaster a convincing smile on her face as she undid the latch. She came up empty.

“Really?” she said as she swung the door open. “You couldn’t just-”

Ben was outside her door, soaking wet and literally dripping water onto her welcome mat, sweater and jeans plastered to his body. Had he walked here in the rain?

She gaped, hand tightening reflexively around the doorknob. “Ben? What- what are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” he asked, a strangely eager and intense tone to his voice. It made goosebumps break out across her skin, the fact that she was in sleep shorts and a thin shirt suddenly feeling very important.

“I-” Her head was spinning, the suddenness of his appearance making her brain scramble to keep up. “I don’t know,” she finally got out. “What do you want?”

He didn’t say anything for a long second, dark eyes peering at her from between wet strands of hair. “Please,” he finally said, sincerity turning his voice soft, a crushed velvet that dragged across her skin with each word. “I need to talk to you.”

This was a bad idea. The last thing she needed was to reopen wounds that were finally beginning to close up, or at least, that’s what she told herself on her optimistic days. This talk was realistically only going to end one way.

But she stepped aside anyway, swinging the door open wider so he could come inside.

“Close the door behind you,” she murmured. “I’ll grab you a towel.”

He was soaked and took the towel gratefully when she came back out with it. They both knew that there were still some of his clothes here, tucked into the bottom drawer of her dresser, a drawer she hadn’t touched since they broke up. But neither of them said anything. 

“I don’t know why you’re here,” Rey finally said, standing with her arms crossed a few feet away from him. “What could we possibly still have to talk about?”

Her words came out hopeful and she immediately wanted to take them back as Ben’s eyes snapped up to her. But she couldn’t deny that her heart was racing in her chest, her fingers trembling where she had them firmly clamped against her body.

She wanted to be strong and fierce, but the sight of him in her apartment was crumbling her already weak self-control. The desire to peel off his wet clothes and press her skin against his rose up in her, hot in her throat. Her fingers dug into her ribs as she shoved it down.

“I want you back.”

The world seemed to stop for a second as his words sank in and Rey felt like her legs had been kicked out from underneath her. 

“You what?” she breathed.

Ben dropped the towel to hang by his side, seemingly unconcerned by his still soaking clothes and dripping hair. His focus was completely on her and she could feel it down to her bones. 

“Listen, Rey, us breaking up… it shouldn’t have happened. It  _ never _ should have happened.”

“Noooo…” she said slowly, dragging the word out while her brain scrambled to process what he was saying. “It should have happened because of you. Because I needed to respect myself, no matter how I felt about you.”

Getting those words out, she was just now realizing how badly she’d wanted to say them to him over the last few weeks. 

He closed the gap between them before she could think to move away, pulling her hand into his freezing one and gripping it tightly. “I know,  _ I know _ , I messed up so badly and I’ve been thinking for weeks about how to make it right. I need to explain-”

Rey ripped her hand from his grasp, stepping back. “No! I gave you a chance to explain and you said nothing!  _ Nothing. _ You let me walk right out the door like you couldn’t care less, like I was  _ nothing.  _ After everything-” The words caught in her throat for a second and she took a breath to steady herself. “You knew how hard this was for me, opening myself up to you and taking a chance… I loved you, Ben… I loved you and you couldn’t trust me or freaked out that I wanted to meet your parents or you were embarrassed that I’m poor and have no family,  _ or whatever the fuck it was,  _ but whatever your reason, you stabbed me in the heart. And I know, I know how dramatic and dumb that sounds but that’s what this feels like. Like you shoved something painful and cold in my chest and all I can think of every day is how much I wish it was gone but it won’t stop  _ hurting.” _

The tears prickling at her eyes just made her angrier at herself and she ground her teeth together in a vain attempt to hold them back.

“Rey.” Ben’s voice was low. “Rey, look at me.”

She couldn’t have ignored him even if she tried, her traitorous eyes immediately going to him. 

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” he said and the look on his face almost hurt to look at. “I’m not… I’m not comfortable with relationship stuff and I’ve never really known how to do any of it. I’m not trying to make excuses, I just want you to know that I never meant for it to go like that. The thing is… I don’t really have a good relationship with my parents, or any of my family really. I never really told you, but my mom and dad weren’t really around when I was a kid, I was practically raised by a nanny. They- they weren’t there for me when I needed them. And I lashed out a lot growing up and it caused a lot of resentment…”

He trailed off, shaking his head and despite how upset and conflicted she was, Rey couldn’t help but absorb every word, relieved to finally find out what was going on. 

“There was something else I never told you about.” He looked away, dipping his head to hide his eyes. “I couldn’t take you to see my family until I told you but I didn’t know how to bring it up, how to say it… this thing that happened with my uncle when I was a kid. He- he hurt me badly.” Ben swallowed loudly and Rey could feel that this was a  _ big  _ thing, something that had defined him while growing up. “But we can talk about it later if you want to know what happened. I can tell you. I’m ready to tell you.”

All she could do was nod a little, wondering what it meant that he thought they would have time later to discuss this.  

“The point is,” he continued, “I’ve had a really complicated relationship with my family over the years. But once I told my mom I had a girlfriend, suddenly she was really interested in me, wanting to discuss engagements and grandchildren. It’s unbelievably awkward and I kind of hate that I had to get a girlfriend for her to be interested in my life,” Ben sighed, running a hand across his face. “I didn’t want you exposed to that while I’m still working through it and... I know how much having a family means to you. I wanted mine and my relationship with them to be perfect when you joined it. I wanted us to be the sort of family I know you dream about having.”

“So what then?” she asked, hating the warmth that spread through her body at his words. “You were just going to push off having me meet them until you decided everything was how you wanted it?”

He left out a bark of humorless laughter, closing his eyes briefly. “Well, yeah, that was kind of the plan. I knew you were nervous to meet them so I figured I had plenty of time. I obviously didn’t think this through very well, I was just kind of winging it.”

“You don’t say,” she muttered, not sure what else she could say. Everything was a confusing mix of emotions whirling around inside of her and she couldn’t seem to grab onto just one. Relief at his confession. Anger that he hadn’t been honest with her. Warmth and annoyance at his misguided attempt to make her happy. And that tiny little flutter of hope, like the wings of a butterfly brushing against her ribs. 

Now that he’d come clean, what was she supposed to do with that?

“Listen,” Rey started, trying to get her thoughts sorted. “While you clearly had… noble intentions, it doesn’t excuse the fact that you didn’t tell me. You couldn’t trust me enough to tell me all of this when it mattered most. These last few weeks have been  _ horrible  _ because you couldn’t do that. Ben… you hurt me more than anyone ever has and I don’t know if I can get past that.” 

“Please, Rey, please just let me try and make it up to you.”

There was no doubt that he was being sincere, that he meant it. Perhaps these last few weeks had been hurting Ben just as much as they had her. But accepting his apology and taking him back… it just meant she was opening herself back up for more pain and heartbreak.

So she said something that had been on her mind for weeks now, the insecure part that rose up in the middle of the night when she was trying to sleep. “If you didn’t think that I would understand this, maybe we aren’t meant to be together.”

The thud of Ben’s knees hitting the floor sounded so incredibly loud as he took her hands in his own.

“Please don’t say that, not when you know it’s not true. You know, you  _ know  _ that we worked, that what we had was great. I love you. Please don’t throw that away because of this.”

Ben Solo was literally on his knees, gazing up at her with his heart in his eyes, begging her not to leave him. 

She couldn’t move.

“Everyone knows you’re too good for me,” he continued, and she actually choked. What the hell was he on about? “When we got together, I was just waiting for you to say it was a joke and the universe to laugh at me. But then months went by and you didn’t leave and I realized that somehow, we were happy and it was working for us. _We were good._ And I know that I fucked it up, but this last month without you has been hell. I never should have let you walk away, the first time or when you came back for your stuff. I froze, I felt like this was always how it was meant to go, you eventually leaving me. So I let it happen because I wanted you to be happy, in every way you deserved. But then- then I realized that I wasn’t going to just let you go. If the universe wanted to screw me over again, I was going to fight it. Fight for _you._ Rey, I’ve missed you every day and all I could think about is how much I wanted you back. I _need_ you back.”

His dark eyes were so soft, the warm, caramel-colored speckles nearly glowing gold as he looked up at her and Rey felt like she was standing on the edge of a precipice, teetering between stepping back to stability and safety or falling forward and taking the plunge.

If she stood her ground and sent him away, she knew how it would go. Things would keep hurting but eventually, she’d manage the pain, though she’d never be able to shake this moment and wonderings of what if. But she’d be back in control of her own life, independent and able to make her own decisions. She’d only have to rely on herself, only had to have faith in herself.

But… if she took a chance and agreed to take Ben back, she’d basically be asking to have her heart broken again. What if he was right though? What if they were right for each other? She’d never felt more at home, more loved than she had when she was with him, holding his hand, wrapped in his arms. The future would be uncertain but she’d have him at her side. Was she going to let her fear rob her of that?

People said a lot of things about Rey over the years but no one had ever accused her of being a coward. 

“Then prove it,” she whispered, feeling her heart throw itself against her ribs. 

“What?” He looked confused, hesitantly and heartbreakingly hopeful.

She hauled him to his feet, fisting her hands in the front of his wet sweater. “You say you need me, love me, want me. That you’re sorry…  _ show me.” _

There was a stretched moment of silence and she swore she could feel her bones vibrating in her skin, this energy, this  _ need,  _ that had been buzzing inside of her since she saw him at Maz’s. 

For a split second, she thought he wasn’t going to move. Did he really not understand what she was getting at? Did she need to-

Then he was kissing her, just the way she remembered, just the way she’d imagined these past weeks when she couldn’t help herself, and it felt like the world froze for a second, pausing just long enough for her brain to go  _ oh. _

Ben kissed her and kissed her, holding her close as his tongue traced her bottom lip. A noise caught in his throat, somewhere between a whimper and a growl and it snapped her free of whatever had been holding her frozen in shock. She pressed back into him, parting her lips to the smooth glide of his own, to the wet heat of his tongue, biting back her own sounds with a desperation that made her head spin.

_ Fuck.  _

She missed this. She missed the feeling of him, the taste of him, the sensation of being consumed wholly by him. The focus and care and  _ hunger _ that he kissed her with was something she knew that she would never get from someone else. 

Rey slipped a hand around his neck, pressing her fingers into the notches of his spine, feeling a shiver roll down the length of his body. When those fingers wandered up to twine in his thick, ebony hair, he bit down softly on her bottom lip, swallowing her gasp hungrily. His need was evident, blatantly obvious and impossible to ignore, from the trembling of his skin against her own, the raggedness of desperate breaths sucked in between kisses, the hardness of his cock straining at the front of his jeans and into the softness of her stomach.

Heat, the liquid sort that feels gentle and tame until it engulfs you in a sudden blaze, coiled right there in her gut, pulsing almost like a heartbeat. Or maybe that was  _ her _ heartbeat, pounding in her ears, her wrists, her throat.

Ben backed them up, not once moving his mouth from her own, guiding her until the back of her legs bumped against the edge of the couch and she would have fallen without his firm hands keeping her upright. Fingers that pressed into her soft flesh, palms that brushed against the goosebumps on her arms.

Together, they lowered down so Rey could spread across the couch, knocking several pillows to the ground but not caring. Her shirt was bunched up around her ribs so Ben finished the job, lifting her gently with a hand at her lower back so he could pull the shirt over her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra and her nipples hardened from the chill, from the look in his eyes. 

She knew then that he was feeling the same thing she was. The dizzying realization that something you were convinced was gone was back within your grasp. That the need, the unforgiving  _ want _ after having lost it, was about to be satisfied.

Grabbing his shoulders, she pulled Ben back down for another kiss, closing those few precious inches between them. 

As they kissed, his fingers relearned the map of her body, stroking licks of heat up her ribs and brushing quick touches across her breasts, lingering on her nipples as she moaned in approval. He hadn’t forgotten what she liked, but he was clearly savoring being able to feel her again and she felt worshipped from his reverent touches alone. 

He rolled and plucked her nipples between his fingers, just hard enough that arousal twisted in her gut, the hard peaks turning a rosy pink color under his ministrations. 

She expected Ben to pull off her shorts next, all shaking fingers and rough tugs, but instead he stilled, brown eyes locking with her own. One of his hands left her breast to settle on the bare skin of her waist, hot and trembling, the other gently cupping the side of her face, thumb brushing the curve of her cheek. 

Her eyes fluttered shut for a second as she breathed deep, relaxing into his touch and the perfection of this feeling. It was a reminder that this meant something, it wasn’t just a quick hook up or them falling back into each other for the brief thrill of it. This  _ meant _ something.

“Promise,” Rey whispered, unable to hold back the words. “Promise you aren’t going to leave me again.”

“I promise,” he swore lowly, without an ounce of hesitation or uncertainty. “Never again. It’s you and me, until the end.”

Something in his words pushed the desperation that had been smoldering in her stomach over the edge. She needed to have him right now, to taste the truth of his words on his tongue, to feel the rightness of his promise in the rhythm of their bodies against each other.

He must have seen it in her eyes because his mouth dipped down to hers again and  _ there were his shaking hands,  _ her shorts being slipped down and off of her legs, taking her underwear with them. She returned the favor by ridding Ben of his sweater which hit the floor with a wet noise, his broad shoulders and smooth chest now bare for her to explore.

Obviously, he had the same idea, his lips disappearing for a brief second, only to brush down the length of her neck, a memory, an echo of a kiss. But she wanted more,  _ needed more,  _ arching into his mouth, baring the skin of her neck to him. His soft kiss turned into bruising sucks that she knew would leave marks, like blooms of violet flowers, and nips that send jolts of lightning sparking into her core. Her chest vibrated with moans, though she didn’t know if they’re his or her own.

Ben dragged his mouth down to swirl his tongue around her nipple, slick and hot and sinfully good. Fighting through the thick blanket of  _ oh fuck that’s good, oh please don’t stop _ that had settled over her mind, Rey managed to work her hand between them, caressing the firm plains of his stomach and the sharpness of his hip bones. She just managed to stroke the hard ridge of his cock through the denim of his jeans before he swore lowly, pulling away.

Sitting up to undo the button of his jeans, he paused, taking in the sight of her naked and sprawled out beneath him. Rey wasn’t ashamed of her body, or really all that self-conscious since he’d seen it all before, but the look on his face, the mixture of heat and awe in his eyes, it made an embarrassed flush bloom across her chest and face.

A knowing smile curled at the corners of his mouth but he kept admiring her, even as he stood to take off his jeans and boxers, finally toeing off his socks with a little huff of laughter. His chuckle was tinged with self-consciousness but at the sight of him, naked and damp from his soaked clothes, Rey’s mouth went dry and her thighs pressed together involuntarily. She drank in the view, the lighting of her apartment throwing shadows across his skin, the muscular ridges of his torso highlighted, his erection jutting out thickly from the rest of his body. 

He had always been so painfully beautiful to her.

The next few minutes were a blur of open-mouthed kisses on flushed skin, mumbled breathy curses, and touches that were simultaneously too much, yet not enough. His cock was so hard and heavy in her hand, slick from the pre-come she’d smeared up and down it with flicks of her wrist. And when he leaned down to kiss her again, she could faintly taste herself on his lips, from when he made her orgasm with his fingers and mouth just a minute before, hoarsely begging for her permission to taste her. She panted, aching between her legs, that feeling of thirst settled in the back of her throat as Ben finally positioned himself at her entrance, eyes locking with hers.

As he pushed inside of her, filling the empty ache in her core, she couldn’t help the way her breath hitched in her throat or the low moan that followed, vaguely sounding like his name. 

Part of Rey wanted this to be hard and fast, a brutal outpouring of all the hurt and pain that had built up inside of her over the past month. Punishment and catharsis all in one. 

But as Ben rocked deeper inside of her and she felt his fingers intertwine with her own, anchoring her against the overwhelming sensations, she knew that it wasn’t going to be that way. The love that she could feel him pouring out with every caress, with the way he restrained himself from moving just to bask in the feeling of being inside of her again, how he murmured her name, a blessing, a  _ prayer _ … she thought she wanted to be fucked but now she realized that she was craving the tenderness, the connection, the  _ reverence _ .

Squeezing his fingers, she lifted her hips slightly to take him all the way, loving the way his pupils blew up with desire, almost completely engulfing the brown. 

Their hips separated and met again in a slow, torturous rhythm; strangled gasps of pleasure and surprise that  _ yes, this is just as good as she remembered,  _ ripping from her mouth with each thrust. She didn’t bother to try and keep quiet, wanting Ben to hear everything he was doing to her, how good it felt to be back with him.

Rey somehow missed his hand moving down, the sudden pressure of his fingers rubbing tight circles against her clit hitting her like an electric shock. Her blunt nails were digging into his shoulders but Ben just moaned loudly, shifting up slightly to adjust the angle so that he’s pounding into her wet core. 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” he muttered, breath hitting her neck in hot little huffs. “I’ve missed being inside of you so much.  _ So fucking much _ .”

Rey let out a noise that was more of a whimper than a sound of agreement, but from the way his hips sped up, he didn’t seem to mind. His fingers left her clit and she nearly whimpered again until those fingers nudged at her lips, and she complied, opening her mouth. She swirled her tongue around his thick digits, humming and wetting them until they were slick, and he pulled them free to go back to rubbing her clit. 

The air was filled with obscene, wet slapping sounds, Rey dripping around him, gripping at his hair, biting his shoulder, letting her teeth catch on his bottom lip as he leaned in for a kiss. She could tell he was getting close as the rhythm of his hips thrusting into hers stuttered, his lips parted in a constant moan.

“Ben,” she managed to gasp. “Ben, I’m close. More,  _ please, more. _ ”

He nodded jerkily, pressing more firmly against her clit as his head dipped down, mouth closing over one of her nipples that were still sensitive from earlier.

Rey could feel her climax building, the scorching coil in her stomach twisting tighter, her fingertips and toes starting to tingle. Then Ben lifted his head up, pressing his forehead against hers, eyes desperate and pleading with her, drowning her, begging her to find that release and she was helpless to deny him. Her pulse was thumped like a bass in her ears, her whole body tensing up blissfully as she orgasmed, tears stinging her eyes from the heady rush of pleasure.

He followed right behind her, muttering about how good she felt, how tight and wet and perfect she was as she climaxed; a muscle in his jaw clenching as he came, eyes squeezed shut. The rush of heat as he spilled inside of her sent his name falling from her lips one last time, a content sigh.

They panted, breath mingling between the few inches separating their faces. Ben’s cheeks were red, his eyes so bright. He held most of his weight on his elbows, his huge body awkwardly folded around her own on her battered couch.

Once her knees stopped trembling violently and her heart wasn’t trying to break its way free of her ribcage, she pushed herself up so he could collapse against the cushions, head nestled on her thighs. His hair was damp with rain or sweat, she didn't know and didn’t care which, the silence between them too soft and content to be awkward as she smoothed the wet locks off of his face and he absentmindedly rubbed circles on her thigh.

Rey felt so satisfied and satiated, so  _ good _ , for the first time in weeks, but now what? She gazed down at Ben’s profile, knowing she hadn’t made a mistake but nervous all the same.

Like he could read her mind, a trick of his that always drove her crazy, he mumbled, “We’re going to be okay. Promise.”

“I know,” she whispered back, feeling the words settle softly in her chest, soothing the ache in her heart. 

He rolled over to face her, eyes wide and earnest and he looked so young and sweet at that moment. “There’s a lot that I still need to tell you. About my parents, my childhood and my uncle. Things that I should have told you sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

She understood. There were things she hadn’t told Ben about herself yet either. Hard things that she kept buried deep down; the abuse from Plutt in the group home, the secret feeling of relief the day that her parents left her… they both had things they’d kept buried down. And if he was going to make an effort to be more honest, then she could too.

No matter how painful her secrets were, he would be there to help her heal.

“We can talk later,” she told him softly, pulling the soft blanket down from the back of the couch to tuck around them. “We have plenty of time later.”

He smiled warmly, that open, sweet smile that he saved just for her, and Rey knew that they were going to be alright. 


End file.
